what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
You Might Also Like
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.