Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
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[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
yeet
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup