“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
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That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
tell em, edith-anne
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
meanwhile over on facebook