Who comes up with this kinda stuff
You Might Also Like
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana