Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
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There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.