Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
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Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!