Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
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My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Clients after you give them your rates
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.