I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
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Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Stonehinge