I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
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Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE