One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
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When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75