Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
You Might Also Like
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
if my sleeping schedule was a person
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.