There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
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Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.