If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
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WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
What the dentist sees
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
can I use a minion as a tampon
I’m not proud
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.