In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
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Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*