Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
You Might Also Like
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Good morning, Twitter x
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up