Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
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The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit