“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
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Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Labreador
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.