Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
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My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
me irl
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”