CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
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I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us