My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
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In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
and now we wait
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why