I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
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If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?