The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
You Might Also Like
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds