Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
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this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
going to the ER y’all need anything
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy