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meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
wtf is a larm clock?
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.