When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
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Leonardo DiCaprisun
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”