My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
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Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead