Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
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[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
for all #parents out there
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.