My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
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me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
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A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.