AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
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Smells like a challenge to me
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
i smell a pulitzer
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son