At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
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People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.