if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
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CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
[canadians at you, canadianly]
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see