If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
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Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
I mean…but I did
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious