Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
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My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
(Jupiter –
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no