it was a valiant fight
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It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.