[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
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If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.