[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
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When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
I have so many questions.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
me when the borders lift
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.