I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
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On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
This story is comedy gold 😂
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder