I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
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I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
I’m having an out of money experience.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED