Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
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My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.