Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
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This is enough internet for the day.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
me adding lol on a serious message
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.