Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
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*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.