“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
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[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”