her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
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Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.