Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
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[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.