Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
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*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Breaking news:
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Worth the read.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012