Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
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If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.