Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
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HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
omg leave her alone
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
I was just discussing this with my cat
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
This is my emotional support knife.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!