Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
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GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
monday
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
wait.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.