Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
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“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
They’re not wrong
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?