To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
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Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.